Quarter Life Crisis

Later this year I turn the quarter-lifer age of 25, on October 27^th to be precise (gifts and surprise birthday parties are welcome y’all) and with this age comes a great fight that will have me avoiding family gatherings and ceremonies with the sprint race the zombies in World War Z pulled (eehh….those were some scary fast zombies). This battle that will divide mamas and papas, siblings and whole families until it is over and done with. Like the inescapable sacred imbalu ritual of the Bagisu that a male has to pursue to earn the title of a man no matter what age he is, this immense combat will continue until someone gives in.

A few days ago on a peaceful Sunday while enjoying pork at Zig Zag, a little way laid place in Namuwongo, ( has an exclusively charming old school playlist)my mother called to check on her little girl. Bursting with euphoria she informed me with the gusto of a Commanding Officer addressing her junior that she was expecting me to get married within the year. Of course I laughed, in fact so hard that I almost toppled over and of course she was grumbling that I did not take her seriously. I knew this routine and had danced to this tune at least once every other month since leaving home. Every month or so I make the journey to Mukono to catch up on some mother – daughter bonding time and every time it’s the same tired nursery rhyme. The questions flood; “Have you found a man? When are you bringing him home? Is he serious?” (oh my goodness do these the questions grate on my nerves) it is almost a fixation with her and every other female relative I have. There is this group compulsive obsessive behaivoural need to have a girl fixed up as soon as the ink on her transcript is dry. I can testify to my maternal aunts dragging these poor young men along to my graduation party hoping I would pick one of them as my next boyfriend. Needless to say my then boyfriend was not amused and neither was I. These guys were no slaves on a dock awaiting their turn to be examined and picked accordingly to physical attributes, social standing, and their ability to keep the ‘harro accent’ out of their speech.

Do not take this the wrong way I love my mother and family to bits but sometimes I just want to scream out loud and tell them to leave me the hell alone. To let me be, to make my mistakes, let the world take a beating at me and spit me out like last month’s gossip. Of course their advice is well meant and comes with protectiveness that only a mother can give hoping that they can prevent all the heartbreaks we will go through, the depression we will suffer over a man and of course the need to see us wedded with children.  A mindset has been engraved into every family’s mind over the centuries that being without a ring / man and a child just makes you a girl. You cannot graduate to a woman with the above pre-requisites and here I was thinking getting menstrual periods already did that.

Society is cruel, categorizing that which they cannot fit into a bracket as strange, weird or even disgusting. The freedom of expression with everything from Facebook to Twitter to Instagram has allowed people to let the world see a peek of what they really are. The response however has left me sickened with fear. The world is so quick to judge our peculiarities and quirks while they safeguard theirs. ‘So, what if I want to work at my career and education then concentrate on marriage later? Why the rush if not only for the reason of beating my biological clock. The absence of a wedding ring on my finger does not mean I have failed to snag a man because maybe am setting high standards, want too much or will not put up with certain characteristics just because society says it is tolerable (case in point that all men cheat its inbuilt into their genetics). Honestly some things do not need to be rushed. A lawyer acquaintance of mine spilled to me that some of his clients are already divorcees at the early age of 26 and quite candidly I do not want to be just another figure to the statistics. Why rush into marriage with a stranger when only darkness looms at the end of the tunnel. In the end you will shoulder the blame when it bears no fruit and you are deemed unworthy and lacking in quality to sustain a marriage.

Lily, a girlfriend of mine, confided to me that her mother is infatuated with getting her married her off that when they have the ‘nuptials argument’ and Lily fights back with the vengeance of stung puma her mother simply caps off the argument with a call to her pastor to pray for her wayward daughter! I mean seriously is it so bad that divine intervention is needed as if God does not already have bigger problems? What with the Devil, murderers, earthquakes, corrupt politicians and nuclear wars on the loose. Most of my girlfriends are in marriage mart arguments with every new wedding meeting, invitation cards and all the times they are the bridesmaid and never the bride. If there was a supermarket where they sold men our problem would probably be solved. Parents would just pick up Handsome Ken to match their own Barbie doll (us) to it.

Growing up I have had to fight this nasty habit of being a people pleaser.  It is like trying to quit your craving for cigarettes or beer or addiction to Scandal, it just won’t let you go and every day you build a wall of lies that it will be the last time. Over the years I have realized that the world does not care as much as you think they do and kind of quit trying to please it. They will be the first to congratulate you, like your Facebook & Instagram statuses and follow you on twitter but nobody will join in the pain you endure every day. The world only sees what you show them and will never know of the bodies you throw in your closet like Dexter. A woman could veil that she is in an abusive relationship with a man who likes to play whack-a-mole with the hard end tennis racket on her body or a man could conceal that he barely sleeps because he is holding a crying toddler while the mother is out getting her groove on. When you see such couples they are the epitome of perfect until you blow away the smoke screen. The façade melts away to reveal a union that bickers, criticises, dismisses and is hanging on by spider threads that a mere child’s breath could blow out of existence. I for one will not let myself be in marriage because I have to settle for less than what I want just because the world says that my clock is ticking. This girl is all for instant gratification but not on marriage. I will not co-habit with a swine of cheating, insensitive husband just because he has money and provides me with a blanket of security. Frankly I would rather be left out in the cold than endure that for the rest of my life.

I am a simple girl (maybe a tad bit complex) with simple desires. I seek only for a man who I will love and will love me in return the equal or unequal measure being of no consequence. A God fearing man who will be my companion and confidante and will happily gossip and laugh with me. A masculine figure that I will gladly bear children for and endure the pangs of childbirth, stretch marks and misshaped body that comes with it. Somebody will take me in stride when am a train wreck in the morning and a bitch in the afternoon. A guy I will fight with, want to strangle, call an idiot and still want to come home to. A man who I will love with every new wrinkle and receding hairline etc…..This does not seem too much to ask.

We only have one existence to live and except for this YOLO nonsense that is a a poor excuse to get wasted and hump each other senseless like rabbits, I for one want to make sure that I make good use of my time before I expire and milk life for all it is worth. I do not want my spirit to hang on to earth regretting paths untraveled, loves unexplored and resisting the temptation to get even with ex boyfriends. Therefore I do declare that I will embrace love, cling to it and happily take pleasure in it with all its inevitable budding thorns. I will marry for love not to fulfill a need that the public and my family have deemed fit for me or to quiet the never ending questions. I will not be cajoled to marry a man I cannot stand, beget children unloved, and endure cold nights sipping Pinot & listening to Melanie Fiona’s 4AM all the while secretly plotting on how to make that Vim powder taste like sugar in his morning coffee. Just anything to end the misery. I probably understand now why some women kill their husbands if only to escape the jailer of a prison whose door you opened and walked through just to please everyone and have them pat you on the back that you are married and now a woman.

I will be part of the revolution that fights this craziness that we are pushed into and if I am guillotined (do they still do that?) then so be it. I will take up arms and declare myself a full woman despite group thought.

All this pushing will do nothing but yield obstinate results. William Shakespeare says ‘It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in our selves’. I am a writer of my own destiny and will have no man pen it for me. I will pick a male for myself and have no other decide for me. I alone will bear the consequences good or bad I will embrace, for I owe it to myself to find a slice of happiness in this otherwise chaotic life.

The so handsome and soulful Maurice Kirya wrote something to this that I thought I would share 

“What is wrong with Ugandans always pushing everyone to get married? Or have a kid? Whatever happened to people actually falling in love and choosing to be with someone for the rest of their lives?

Marriage has become some sort of a trendy lifestyle, that is, as if done for public satisfaction! Back then, making a decision to marry meant you were in love, made a choice to be with someone for the rest of your life. Today, it seems as though it is done for status in society, a way of showing that you can make a big decision, to show growth. But what is good is public satisfaction if you are not happy with the wife or husband you have?

I still believe that marriage is special and no one should handle it like a joke! People should stop always telling others, ‘You are not married? What are you waiting for?’ The truth is, it’s not a race about who gets married this year or not,, it is about the genuine happiness it gives you inside, the contentment of who you are with and how deeply you are in love no matter what comes.

You can’t make a decision like that if you are not ready to consider that this will involve your children, the last thing you want is to be sad in something that you were not ready for, it will affect not only you, but your kids too and everyone around you!

Marriage is not the answer to problems and public dissatisfaction, marriage is between two people, two hearts, two souls, your friends and family attending the wedding doesn’t make your love for each other any stronger but what the two of you feel when you go back home and are alone, that is what makes the connection.

Let’s go back to the basics, let’s go back to being genuinely in love, let’s get back to understanding what happiness really is, and let’s get back to being strong beings that can make strong independent decisions, let’s get back to common sense”

This is a man after my own heart. Life is too short to be spent miserable. To echo Gathoni in Ngungi W Thiong’o’s I Will Marry When I Want, ‘Sorry! I shall marry when I want. Nobody will force me into it!’ Enough said!!!